It's hard for people to understand the duality of emotions one feels when they survive their suicide attempt.  I didn't want anyone to find me and didn't write a note.  I just wanted to fall asleep forever.  So, on one hand, I was angry at surviving and one hand I was thankful.  For those who don't know, people who do this go directly into a psychiatric hospital and I did.  The first day I was coherent enough, I wrote the poem below.  As I re-read it I know now that no matter how dark it gets, God is always hanging on to us.  As you read this poem, please realize that I was not thinking with a rational mind.  I was making unfounded assumptions and this is never the answer.  Satan wants you dead to keep you from fulfilling God's plan for you.  Satan will lie to you and make you feel worthless as you will see in the poem.  But it is a LIE.  Remember when Satan tempted Job by telling him to curse God and die?  That's how he works.  I pray all who read this will recognize the enemy's deception before he lets you get to the point of where I was.

The Long Sleep: Losing the Battle

You can do anything you set your mind to,
was my motto I lived by each day.
More projects, pleasing people, finding more things to do,
for years I went on this way.

Blessed by my marriage and two great sons,
there was no was she had reason to complain.
Just hold it together, fix it up all done,
and everyday will remain just the same.

Mrs. Fix it-Problem Solver, I gladly felt,
was the nickname that filled me with pride.
I was content playing the hand I was dealt,
But I hid the truth of the darkness deep inside.

I began to get sick, something new everyday,
for years I begged doctors for the cause .
Then my memory left, motivation went away,
I began to wonder who I was.

Doctors, family, and friends all gave up
that I'd ever be normal again.
The life I lived just wasn't enough
to justify living in pain.

Things I couldn't fix appeared in my life,
leaving me depressed with no hope.
I spent days isolated with no ray of light,
I'd lost all my skills just to cope.

"Just Do It" I heard, before the long sleep,
I knew what it meant right away.
It was something I'd never dreamed of I'd do,
until the thought crossed my mind that June day.

No one had warning, there was no note.
They'd understand my pain was too deep
Without thinking twice, pills slid down my throat
Than began the long sleep