When God shows up, HE REALLY SHOWS UP!!!!!  As I lie there waiting on the shot for my headache that they promised I'd get five hours earlier, all I wanted to do was to try to fake everyone out so they'd let me go and I could proceed with my plans.  I was in so much pain that was all I could concentrate on.  Then I literally heard, "Krista, satan wants you dead to get to your boys and ruin their ministry".  God spoke to me and I HEARD it.  Call me crazy if you want.  I've consulted with two pastors and they feel the experience was genuine.  And it was at that moment all suicidal thoughts left me for good.  I held my bible to my chest and prayed like I've never prayed before.  Then I had a talk with satan and said I will die eventually, but it will not be by my own hands, he will NOT get to my boys.  Then the pain started to ease a little.  It never went away, but it was tolerable.  In that room I felt the presence of God.  And ever since, I can't quit writing about things He is leading me to write about.  So that brings me to where I am now.  Still struggling but realizing He has me in His mighty right hand.  I am by no means a preacher, pastor, philosopher, or theologists.  But I am absolutely positive He is giving me the courage and the words to write.  And I will continue to write as He leads me because people are hurting and don't know why.  Before the last meltdown I had read in Corinthians about rejoicing in our trials and tribulations.  And I was angry at God.  I didn't understand then what I understand now.  If we live a life that is happy go lucky, we are just cruising along with no thought of God's supreme power.  But it's when adversity hits us we reach out.  So, as Paul said, I rejoice in my pain.  He had to put me into the flame to wash out all the impurities.  But, that reminds me of the story in the old testament when Shadrack, Meshack, and Abednago was put into the fiery furnish.  An observer didn't just see the three that went in, he saw four.  God was in there with them just as He is with us when we go through the flame.

So to end my story before I begin blogging about revelations He has given me I tell you where I am now.  Doctors have told me that with my condition, I'll never work for money again.  I will be going on disability.  BUT, there is other work to be done.  God's work.  I have removed the clothing of the old Krista and put on the God anointed clothing of the new Krista.  Every day He shows me His miracles...miracles as simple as a storm or the wind blowing through the trees.  I sincerely hope this has helped someone.  We are all in the same boat.  The question is, do you panic when the storm comes as the apostles did, or do you know Jesus is in the boat with you and everything is going to work out.

So, I thought second time was a charm....WRONG!  In August I had to go back into the hospital.  I was beginning to work my coping skills that they were teaching me and when I got out I thought I was okay.  That lasted three months.  The panic attacks returned with a vengeance.  But, because I felt I had put my family through three hospital stays I was going to try and hide what was really going on.  The truth was I began to get slightly agoraphobic (fear of going out).  But it was worse than that.  I was even afraid to get off the couch because I was afraid a panic attack would kick in.  Then the suicidal thoughts returned.  I felt I was never going to be better.  I just stuffed it all inside and kept saying to myself "you are so weak and you have got to get control".  I took a job thinking it would be a good distraction.  But every morning the anxiety of going out and trying to work made me even more physically sick.  I mean PHYSICALLY sick.  I'd wake up every morning gagging, migraines, throwing up, wouldn't eat....and all the nasty stuff that came with anxiety.  There were many days I could not go to work because I was so weak and dizzy I was afraid to drive.  And the days I did go to work, I couldn't remember how to do stuff and sometimes I'd look at my work and not remember doing it.  So, I was fired.  I knew I was in trouble because I had a plan to leave this world.  But instead, I called my therapist.  I was not in a safe situation.....SO...back into the hospital for the FOURTH time.  But it was better this time.  They finally came up with the diagnosis....Major Depressive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  The thing about the Generalized Anxiety Disorder is the panic attacks come from no identifiable source.  Which is bad because you can't problem solve that.  It comes from nowhere.  After 5 days in the hospital I developed headaches that wouldn't go away and I still am having them.  Hopefully my neurologist can help at my appointment.  After being released I went into Intensive Outpatient Treatment.  These are classes that are intense in perfecting coping skills.  But I didn't get too much accomplished because of the headaches.  One day, it got too hard to handle.  I'd rather be dead than to deal with the physical and emotional issues.  At first I refused to tell them my plan until they said "you tell us or we'll commit you".  So I told them, and voluntarily went in for the FIFTH time.  And it was in this stay, God showed up.  (gonna leave this blog as a cliffhanger because what happened was SO profound)

Man I'm having a can't concentrate day today.  For the life of me I just can't get motivated.  It comes with the territory.  The one thing I have learned is just to take each day as it comes.  Most of the time it's the devil trying to break my spirit.  So I pray and know tomorrow is another day.  And then I remember my favorite "tomorrow is another day song"....Dare You To Move by Switchfoot.  The best part of it for me is when they sing....I dare you to move, I dare you to move, I dare you to lift yourself off of the floor like today never happened.   When you have a bad day, just brush it off and realize tomorrow, today will be in the past, like it never happened.  I hope you enjoy this video.  Switchfoot is awesome!

Taking a short break from the story to share a really good coping skill for anxiety and worry.  How can you predict the future?  Guess what...YOU CAN'T.  You have to set it up in your mind that the past is the past....let it go...you can't change it so why are you still hanging on to it.  The future is an illusion and NO ONE can predict it no matter what some people can say.  Only the Holy Father in heaven has that capability.  Focus on the present (and for heaven's sake quit multitasking).  Remember this promise from God in Jeremiah 29:11:  For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I'm not going to go into details about the FIRST hospital stay except to say I really just felt numb.  I had emotions I couldn't deal with.  SO, in July my therapist thought it best to go back in...second time is a charm, right? (not really).  I met so many people and I began to listen to each of them and understand that everyone hurts.  Everyone is looking for the one answer that will make everything okay.  I began to learn that if you truly listen to someone, you will know who they are and how much they are hurting.  I started to think that God was bringing me to a place I had never been to before.  Compassion.  I mean, how many times do we really stop and listen to someone without thoughts in the back of our head like, "well, I need to get out of this conversation cause I have stuff to do", or "I wish they would shut up so I can say something".  I was like that.  Jesus wanted us to take care of one another.  He had stuff to do, but if He saw someone in need He would stop and take the time to TRULY listen.  Lots of times you think you have to give them a solution.  That's not the case.  Like with me, I just wanted someone to truly sit and listen and HEAR ME.  I knew they were not professionally equipped to deal with my illness, but just to listen is priceless.  When you get to the point you can sit and truly listen to what someone has to say without being superficial, you find you are the one that receives the blessing and the person feels better because having someone listen to you gives you hope.  My second stay was the longest, 10 days.  I learned so many coping skills and when I felt it appropriate, I would pass it along.  I didn't always do this because you have to know when to keep your opinions to yourself and when to give good, helpful advise as you have learned by the healthcare professionals.  I personally feel God was leading me every step of the way.  I went into outpatient therapy and learned more coping skills.  I met wonderful people that still bring a tear to my eyes when I think of them...I love them soooo much.  We were kindred spirits who understood the pain and was willing to take those painful steps to get out of the pain.

So pray for wisdom today.  God WILL bring it your way.  You'll be surprised.  And when that person comes along that needs to just be heard, truly listen.  Put yourself in a box for awhile and focus on that person.  It all comes down to love people.  Jesus listens to us because of His love for us.  We are to do the same with our brothers and sisters here on earth.   And I mean every human on earth is our brother and sister, no differentiating.  (This will be covered in another blog).

Please pray for me as writing these blogs takes all the courage and bravery I can muster.  I know I'll be criticized, but it's something Jesus is telling me to do and HE is my master and I WILL do as He commands me to do.

It's hard for people to understand the duality of emotions one feels when they survive their suicide attempt.  I didn't want anyone to find me and didn't write a note.  I just wanted to fall asleep forever.  So, on one hand, I was angry at surviving and one hand I was thankful.  For those who don't know, people who do this go directly into a psychiatric hospital and I did.  The first day I was coherent enough, I wrote the poem below.  As I re-read it I know now that no matter how dark it gets, God is always hanging on to us.  As you read this poem, please realize that I was not thinking with a rational mind.  I was making unfounded assumptions and this is never the answer.  Satan wants you dead to keep you from fulfilling God's plan for you.  Satan will lie to you and make you feel worthless as you will see in the poem.  But it is a LIE.  Remember when Satan tempted Job by telling him to curse God and die?  That's how he works.  I pray all who read this will recognize the enemy's deception before he lets you get to the point of where I was.

The Long Sleep: Losing the Battle

You can do anything you set your mind to,
was my motto I lived by each day.
More projects, pleasing people, finding more things to do,
for years I went on this way.

Blessed by my marriage and two great sons,
there was no was she had reason to complain.
Just hold it together, fix it up all done,
and everyday will remain just the same.

Mrs. Fix it-Problem Solver, I gladly felt,
was the nickname that filled me with pride.
I was content playing the hand I was dealt,
But I hid the truth of the darkness deep inside.

I began to get sick, something new everyday,
for years I begged doctors for the cause .
Then my memory left, motivation went away,
I began to wonder who I was.

Doctors, family, and friends all gave up
that I'd ever be normal again.
The life I lived just wasn't enough
to justify living in pain.

Things I couldn't fix appeared in my life,
leaving me depressed with no hope.
I spent days isolated with no ray of light,
I'd lost all my skills just to cope.

"Just Do It" I heard, before the long sleep,
I knew what it meant right away.
It was something I'd never dreamed of I'd do,
until the thought crossed my mind that June day.

No one had warning, there was no note.
They'd understand my pain was too deep
Without thinking twice, pills slid down my throat
Than began the long sleep

For five years I didn't know what my diagnosis was.  I felt I was dying.  I would isolate from my family and avoid social functions unless I had to.  And when I had to I would self medicate just to get me through it.   Then the depression came.  I was of no good to anyone.  I couldn't hold down a job because of the physical symptoms would keep me out of work.  I couldn't have fun with my family, I was contributing nothing to them or society.  I was doing nothing for God.   My mindset was that I was taking up precious air and water on this earth.

June 2011.  Beautiful bright Sunday morning.  Phillip had just left for church and reminded me to take my medicines (that WERE NOT working).  I don't know what made me do it, I guess I just knew I had had enough.  I heard a voice say just do it, and the next instant I swallowed 60 Elavil.  Since I'm obviously still here I will mention that I was told out of all the medicines I could have overdosed on, Elavil was the worse.  By God's grace he pulled me from death within 10 minutes.

It's hard revisiting these moments and I hate to stop blogging at this point of the story and will continue because to not do so would be to deny the Glory due to God.  But I will give you the ending, the disorder is still a work in progress and a daily battle, but with Jesus holding me in his mighty right hand, I know he is carrying me every step of the way.  Praise His Holy Name!!!

Stress.  It's a killer.  Millions of dollars have been made to help people deal with stress.  Stress not only freaks you out but it can really make you feel sick.  Now multiply that times 100 and you get anxiety.  Lots of people worry obsessively and rightfully so, especially in this economy.  How are we going to pay the bills? Am I going to lose my job? How am I going to put food on the table?  Will my house be repossessed?  Will I have to start riding my bike to work?  Is your heart rate up just thinking about these questions?  Yeah, mine is too.  But these are things you can identify and begin to problem solve.  The best way to get to a state where you are ready to deal with the issues you face is to stay in the Word and meditate. The best teacher of meditation was Jesus.  Find a quite spot, and focus on something peaceful...like feeling you are in the arms of Jesus.  It does take practice, just remember distractions will come. But in your mind, put those distractions on a cloud and brush it away.  I'll get more into this practice later.  Now back to anxiety.

Now multiply anxiety times 100 and you have a genuine anxiety disorder.  Mine is Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  This is a disorder where you cannot identify a trigger....or the thing that is worrying you.  You wake up with it, it stays with you all day, you come home with it, you go to bed and not sleep with it.  It wreaks havoc on your body.  Panic attacks to the point you can't even move from a chair.  Panic attacks when you wake up throwing up, can't eat, headaches, hot flashes, dizziness, fainting, and feeling like you are smothering....just to name a few.   I have suffered with this since 2006.  This is my thorn and only now am I beginning to understand why God put it there.

So welcome to my blog!  I've renamed it because I don't tend to write about frivolous subjects.  Usually about my life and what I've learned from my mistakes and circumstances through the grace of God.  Paul wrote in to the Corinthians that they will suffer great pain.  When I pondered on that I felt like I was wrestling with God because I didn't understand.  We're Christians so WHY?  Paul also mentioned the thorn in his side that God gave him.  Again, I wondered WHY?  After many years of fighting with this, I was given an answer.  It wasn't an AH-HA moment....God needed me to suffer the same pain as Job did so I would finally understand.  I am stubborn as a mule as many of my friends know.  We get so complacent and comfortable in our lives that we forget to ask for Jesus to be with us daily.  It's when we go through trials and tribulations that we see there ere in our actions.  For me, I felt I was hopeless to Him and to call on Him again and again meant I wasn't as strong in my faith as I should have been.  This made me feel ashamed and I ran and hid like Adam and Eve did.

I will be telling some things here that many of my friends and family do not know.  And some of them will wonder why I'm writing about it.  Well, first of all it's good to get it out whether talking to someone or writing in a journal.  But if I simply hid it in a journal, it would be helping no one.  And as much as I loathe technology, this is the best way to get this message out unless I stand on the side of the highway and I'm too chicken to do that.

So the next few posts I'll begin.  It goes a long way back.  I won't bring up individuals because this was my battle.  One thing to remember when dealing with emotions, is you may think someone is causing your problems but you can't change people and you can't change facts.....you can only change yourself.

As soon as I have life somewhat figured out, confusion sets in.  I heard a paradox that said, your cells completely regenerate every 7 years...SO  does that mean we are totally new individuals after every 7 years.  And if so, can we adequately accept and mourn the person we once were.  My answer (not a professional here by no means) is YES!!!!

God's word says there is a season for everything.  I have done so many things (seasons) in my life that I think I could comfortably say I am well educated in any hobbies and interests.  But sometimes, thing occur in my life that prevent me from continuing along those paths.  It has took me many years, lots of therapy money, and lots of hospital stays to realize it's okay to mourn who you once were.  But once that mourning is over, it's time to redefine your next season.  And I'm in the middle of that right now.  I realize I can't physically do the things I used to love to do, so I'm just going to have to find things I can do that peak my interest.