Well, after having a computer crash for a month and being in another funk, I'm back again.  I want to be an advocate for mental disorders because many people just don't understand.  For so many years, people with mental disorders were totally misunderstood.  In the 20th century, people just wouldn't admit they had a problem and just muddled through it because of the stigma associated with it.  Prior to the 20th century, they were put in institutions where conditions and care were terrible.  In the 19th century and prior, families would actually lock their family member up in an attic or basement to keep them out of the public eye.  I look at myself and while my conditions are not as serious as many people I have come to know and love, I feel blessed that I am living in a time where the medical profession has realized that these conditions are NOT mental, but physical.  There is a deficiency in serotonin and other brain chemicals that cause the condition.  And believe me, physical symptoms DO accompany these conditions.  I hate being stigmatized.  I'm an intelligent person who loves people and seeks to understand other people and cultures.  I'm not someone to be afraid of.  That's why I have decided to tell my story to educate people that a mental condition is nothing to fear.  It took me years to acknowledge this and years to seek medical help.  And it was only until I almost died from an overdose that I sought help.  I didn't know what was going on, I just knew I couldn't take it anymore in the condition I was in.  Just recently, I had to have my meds increased because the depression made me lethargic and unproductive.  But I don't only rely on doctors and meds, I hold onto the promises that Jesus has given me.  God said in Jeremiah that he has plans not to hurt us, but for us to prosper.  I think that means to prosper in every aspect of life and I praise Him for this.  Please, please....if you see someone who you might think is having problems, don't tell them to get over it.  THEY CAN'T!!!!   And I surely would hate to see someone who has been told to "just get over it" to realize they can't and go down the road I did.  It's only by the grace of God that I'm still here.  I was 10 minutes from death.  They told my family they didn't think I was going to make it.  But God reached down and saved me from death, and that tells me He has work for me to do....and part of my work is this....help someone who is hurting by listening, truly listening, what Mindfullness calls "Active Listening".  You may know someone is at the end of their rope whether they have a mental illness or not.  Jesus told us to love one another.  Just by listening to someone could make all the difference in the world.  And if it is mental illness in their life, help them seek treatment.  Many times, we just need a loving ear.

This is certainly a post out of the context of my earlier posts, but I just really want to help those who may be suffering.  And if you are reading this post, you could be the person to save a life.

I am amazed at God's creations.  He was painted a masterpiece on this earth.  It seems like everytime I go out to meditate and pray I see something that I would normally have missed had I not made it a practice to be close to nature while meditating.  I want to thank Chasen Callahan for the song "Nothing Like You" because it makes you stop and think how wonderful things are.  And when it starts getting tough, take time to go to nature and bask in God's wonderful chapel.  God will amaze you when you take time to be still and celebrate His creation.

When God shows up, HE REALLY SHOWS UP!!!!!  As I lie there waiting on the shot for my headache that they promised I'd get five hours earlier, all I wanted to do was to try to fake everyone out so they'd let me go and I could proceed with my plans.  I was in so much pain that was all I could concentrate on.  Then I literally heard, "Krista, satan wants you dead to get to your boys and ruin their ministry".  God spoke to me and I HEARD it.  Call me crazy if you want.  I've consulted with two pastors and they feel the experience was genuine.  And it was at that moment all suicidal thoughts left me for good.  I held my bible to my chest and prayed like I've never prayed before.  Then I had a talk with satan and said I will die eventually, but it will not be by my own hands, he will NOT get to my boys.  Then the pain started to ease a little.  It never went away, but it was tolerable.  In that room I felt the presence of God.  And ever since, I can't quit writing about things He is leading me to write about.  So that brings me to where I am now.  Still struggling but realizing He has me in His mighty right hand.  I am by no means a preacher, pastor, philosopher, or theologists.  But I am absolutely positive He is giving me the courage and the words to write.  And I will continue to write as He leads me because people are hurting and don't know why.  Before the last meltdown I had read in Corinthians about rejoicing in our trials and tribulations.  And I was angry at God.  I didn't understand then what I understand now.  If we live a life that is happy go lucky, we are just cruising along with no thought of God's supreme power.  But it's when adversity hits us we reach out.  So, as Paul said, I rejoice in my pain.  He had to put me into the flame to wash out all the impurities.  But, that reminds me of the story in the old testament when Shadrack, Meshack, and Abednago was put into the fiery furnish.  An observer didn't just see the three that went in, he saw four.  God was in there with them just as He is with us when we go through the flame.

So to end my story before I begin blogging about revelations He has given me I tell you where I am now.  Doctors have told me that with my condition, I'll never work for money again.  I will be going on disability.  BUT, there is other work to be done.  God's work.  I have removed the clothing of the old Krista and put on the God anointed clothing of the new Krista.  Every day He shows me His miracles...miracles as simple as a storm or the wind blowing through the trees.  I sincerely hope this has helped someone.  We are all in the same boat.  The question is, do you panic when the storm comes as the apostles did, or do you know Jesus is in the boat with you and everything is going to work out.

So, I thought second time was a charm....WRONG!  In August I had to go back into the hospital.  I was beginning to work my coping skills that they were teaching me and when I got out I thought I was okay.  That lasted three months.  The panic attacks returned with a vengeance.  But, because I felt I had put my family through three hospital stays I was going to try and hide what was really going on.  The truth was I began to get slightly agoraphobic (fear of going out).  But it was worse than that.  I was even afraid to get off the couch because I was afraid a panic attack would kick in.  Then the suicidal thoughts returned.  I felt I was never going to be better.  I just stuffed it all inside and kept saying to myself "you are so weak and you have got to get control".  I took a job thinking it would be a good distraction.  But every morning the anxiety of going out and trying to work made me even more physically sick.  I mean PHYSICALLY sick.  I'd wake up every morning gagging, migraines, throwing up, wouldn't eat....and all the nasty stuff that came with anxiety.  There were many days I could not go to work because I was so weak and dizzy I was afraid to drive.  And the days I did go to work, I couldn't remember how to do stuff and sometimes I'd look at my work and not remember doing it.  So, I was fired.  I knew I was in trouble because I had a plan to leave this world.  But instead, I called my therapist.  I was not in a safe situation.....SO...back into the hospital for the FOURTH time.  But it was better this time.  They finally came up with the diagnosis....Major Depressive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  The thing about the Generalized Anxiety Disorder is the panic attacks come from no identifiable source.  Which is bad because you can't problem solve that.  It comes from nowhere.  After 5 days in the hospital I developed headaches that wouldn't go away and I still am having them.  Hopefully my neurologist can help at my appointment.  After being released I went into Intensive Outpatient Treatment.  These are classes that are intense in perfecting coping skills.  But I didn't get too much accomplished because of the headaches.  One day, it got too hard to handle.  I'd rather be dead than to deal with the physical and emotional issues.  At first I refused to tell them my plan until they said "you tell us or we'll commit you".  So I told them, and voluntarily went in for the FIFTH time.  And it was in this stay, God showed up.  (gonna leave this blog as a cliffhanger because what happened was SO profound)

Man I'm having a can't concentrate day today.  For the life of me I just can't get motivated.  It comes with the territory.  The one thing I have learned is just to take each day as it comes.  Most of the time it's the devil trying to break my spirit.  So I pray and know tomorrow is another day.  And then I remember my favorite "tomorrow is another day song"....Dare You To Move by Switchfoot.  The best part of it for me is when they sing....I dare you to move, I dare you to move, I dare you to lift yourself off of the floor like today never happened.   When you have a bad day, just brush it off and realize tomorrow, today will be in the past, like it never happened.  I hope you enjoy this video.  Switchfoot is awesome!

Taking a short break from the story to share a really good coping skill for anxiety and worry.  How can you predict the future?  Guess what...YOU CAN'T.  You have to set it up in your mind that the past is the past....let it go...you can't change it so why are you still hanging on to it.  The future is an illusion and NO ONE can predict it no matter what some people can say.  Only the Holy Father in heaven has that capability.  Focus on the present (and for heaven's sake quit multitasking).  Remember this promise from God in Jeremiah 29:11:  For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I'm not going to go into details about the FIRST hospital stay except to say I really just felt numb.  I had emotions I couldn't deal with.  SO, in July my therapist thought it best to go back in...second time is a charm, right? (not really).  I met so many people and I began to listen to each of them and understand that everyone hurts.  Everyone is looking for the one answer that will make everything okay.  I began to learn that if you truly listen to someone, you will know who they are and how much they are hurting.  I started to think that God was bringing me to a place I had never been to before.  Compassion.  I mean, how many times do we really stop and listen to someone without thoughts in the back of our head like, "well, I need to get out of this conversation cause I have stuff to do", or "I wish they would shut up so I can say something".  I was like that.  Jesus wanted us to take care of one another.  He had stuff to do, but if He saw someone in need He would stop and take the time to TRULY listen.  Lots of times you think you have to give them a solution.  That's not the case.  Like with me, I just wanted someone to truly sit and listen and HEAR ME.  I knew they were not professionally equipped to deal with my illness, but just to listen is priceless.  When you get to the point you can sit and truly listen to what someone has to say without being superficial, you find you are the one that receives the blessing and the person feels better because having someone listen to you gives you hope.  My second stay was the longest, 10 days.  I learned so many coping skills and when I felt it appropriate, I would pass it along.  I didn't always do this because you have to know when to keep your opinions to yourself and when to give good, helpful advise as you have learned by the healthcare professionals.  I personally feel God was leading me every step of the way.  I went into outpatient therapy and learned more coping skills.  I met wonderful people that still bring a tear to my eyes when I think of them...I love them soooo much.  We were kindred spirits who understood the pain and was willing to take those painful steps to get out of the pain.

So pray for wisdom today.  God WILL bring it your way.  You'll be surprised.  And when that person comes along that needs to just be heard, truly listen.  Put yourself in a box for awhile and focus on that person.  It all comes down to love people.  Jesus listens to us because of His love for us.  We are to do the same with our brothers and sisters here on earth.   And I mean every human on earth is our brother and sister, no differentiating.  (This will be covered in another blog).

Please pray for me as writing these blogs takes all the courage and bravery I can muster.  I know I'll be criticized, but it's something Jesus is telling me to do and HE is my master and I WILL do as He commands me to do.